i'm trying i really am

i do try really hard to be ok
do you really think i want to feel this way
it hurts when they push you away because of the way you feel
i had a good day this week a really good day
i was happy someone actually took the time to care about how i feel
they asked me how my day was and wanted to hear the answer
it made me feel so good that i just wasnt another person in that room

but now im back to the lonely, insecure me
back to not feeling ok
back to someone who isnt me
but yet is the only me ive seen in a long time

i know we're not a group anymore and we won't be
as strange as it seems i dont care anymore
im friends with all of them well i think i am
i love them all very much but im sick of begging them
to spend time with me
sick of begging for them to come to me
sick of begging for them to just talk to me
just let me in, yes some of them have opened up
but very little
i honestly dont care anymore
i really want to but everyday im pushed away more
maybe im just trying to convince myself i dont care
but inside i just want them close beside

im not telling anyone else any of my problems
they cant handle them its ok i understand
ive held it in this long
im pretty sure i can keep it in
i think ive become quite good at covering it up

if you dont want to hear how i actually feel dont read this blog
if you dont like hearing that ya there are problems then dont even think
about bringing this up because this is my release this is where i dont care
what people think i dont care what they say
if you cant handle the truth dont come on this

btw i absolutley love this song its getting me through a lot right now

Swim-Jack Mannequin

You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers your friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim to brighter days
Despite of the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim

anything can set it off its like a domino effect
it started in art today then physics took its cut
but noon hour landed the biggest blow
i cant deal with it
how do they expect me to hold it all together
they dont even notice me
no one ever notices me
im just the quiet girl
shes quiet because shes shy

no im quiet because im afraid if i talk i'll let it all out
afraid to let them know how i feel afraid to let him know i love him
that i want him but he isnt interested he doesnt have a clue
i bet he loved her why wouldent he shes beautiful and amazing but i wish
that for once in my life the guy would choose me

she let me in today im glad i love her with all my heart and couldnt stand to lose her
i hope she always remembers im here
i know what its like more than anyone else

and im staying lying in this bed cause if i step outside that door all i face is pain
inside these four walls they cant hurt me
not anymore

I'm Ice

I do have friends but they don't know me,
only someone i've created to take my place.
Someone sculpted from ice.
I keep the melted me bottled up inside.
Where no one can touch her,until.unbidden, she comes pouring out.
she puddles then upon fear trodden ground.
I am always afraid,

-Identical

So I havent blogged in a while I dont know why I just dont want to do anything anymore
theres this guy I really like him no one knows about him they may think they know but they most certinly do not I might tell them its just I wish I could be over him but he keeps coming back and haunting my dreams that is when I actually sleep...

Girls Night

Ri-I'm so glad you were there i know everyone needed your strength and your words of wisdom to guide the night

Just know that you dont always have to be strong im here for you whenever your down
whenever you need someone to lean on you can ALWAYS count on me

BB-i'm really worried doll i love you to much to see this happen

im glad you came to support me but im even happier you stayed and supported everyone else

no matter what mentality you have we;re never gonna leave

kath- i really wished you would have told us more while i was there i know you are having a really hard time right now and i want to be there for you please let me in i will always love you
and when it seems impossible to live call me come see me talk to me i dont know how i could live without you

LMP- boy i think everyone knows i loves me some LP
darling anytime you need to talk im there
anytime you need to cry im there
anytime you need anything im there
guys are difficult but im always there to support you

Cara-i know you go through a lot and we've gotton closer but always know im here to listen and i love you very much

Beth-your problems are never too small for my ears im always here to listen
i love you dear

Josie-im so glad you decided to come we wouldent be complete without you i know theres a lot going on with you and i know especially how hard it is to let it all out but im glad you opened up and were there for each one of us

I'm really glad i decided to let everyone in im glad i dont have to hide my tears anymore thanks for being there everyone im sorry i had to leave early i just get really sick like you all know now
thanks LP for driving me home i can always count on you dearie

i really do love each and everyone of you more than you can imagine i dont know what i would do without you

i know ive made a lot of mistakes but you see past them and love the me that is in there somewhere

peace out <3